After Leo was born, I had issues with my blog. Why was I stressing myself over it? Who is reading it anyway? What are they getting out of it? It takes me so long to write posts sometimes that I was wondering whether it was worth it. I talked about it on the blog, and sort of carried on posting once every month or so. I carried on crafting, at snail pace, but I did. The stage of sharing seemed superfluous, at the end of the day if I wanted to share I could just post a picture on IG.
Came September I found a renewed interest in my blog - I was planning, getting guest bloggers, better pictures etc. I wanted to look after my blog. Leo and I had a great relationship then, and it was as if he knew I wanted to blog again, and let me between 12 noon and 3pm (he was super regular with his naps). It was going well.
Of course a month later, Leo left us. I was knitting at the hospital, I finished his jumper for his birthday. I shared my story on internet. Not to get sympathy (I got a lot of that at my doorstep) but so people knew and did not ask questions. They still did, but here we are.. The blog became a way for me to express some of these feelings. I did not want counselling (and please do not talk to me about counselling, because I will take my vacant look), but I needed to express how I felt - not all of it, but a bit of it.
If you wonder how I am and how I feel. I will tell you what I said to Lu on Sunday. I am a better because of Leo - because I had the amazing chance to be his Mum - and even if he is not here he makes me appreciate everything even more, even if it is the sunlight when I go and see him.
Don't get me wrong, I do not believe Leo should have gone - in fact I spent my Friday afternoon talking to the hospital to assess their responsibility (as you can imagine not so easy) - but this is my life now, and I need to embrace whatever this is. Baby MiH has made it impossible for me to escape it - I did not want to change his routine - so we are facing it all, the questions at clients' meetings, the Grandma's looks, the tiptoeing of people, some people blatantly ignoring us (by the way, this is not cool). I will keep telling Leo's story because he keeps with us, and he was a wonderful gift given to us, but I will also fight his case like a lioness.
I texted Lu the day Leo went. She did an amazing thing - she called on all the quilters to send her low volume blocks for a quilt to comfort us. Some of the blocks came from quilters I have followed for a long time - especially when I was quilting more - some from quilters I do not know but needed to express their sympathy through sewing and quilting. To all of you who contributed, I would like to thank you - because what you did was amazing, but also you made me realise that it does not matter if anyone reads this blog or not, I know that the relationships I made through this blog are priceless. I know there were cards, I am really sorry but I have not read them all. It is the hardest thing to do, reading in black and white the emotions of someone else. I will though, just one at a time.