Of the importance of sharing

Sunday, 28 February 2016


After Leo was born, I had issues with my blog. Why was I stressing myself over it? Who is reading it anyway? What are they getting out of it? It takes me so long to write posts sometimes that I was wondering whether it was worth it. I talked about it on the blog, and sort of carried on posting once every month or so. I carried on crafting, at snail pace, but I did. The stage of sharing seemed superfluous, at the end of the day if I wanted to share I could just post a picture on IG. 

Came September I found a renewed interest in my blog - I was planning, getting guest bloggers, better pictures etc. I wanted to look after my blog. Leo and I had a great relationship then, and it was as if he knew I wanted to blog again, and let me between 12 noon and 3pm (he was super regular with his naps). It was going well. 

Of course a month later, Leo left us. I was knitting at the hospital, I finished his jumper for his birthday. I shared my story on internet. Not to get sympathy (I got a lot of that at my doorstep) but so people knew and did not ask questions. They still did, but here we are.. The blog became a way for me to express some of these feelings. I did not want counselling (and please do not talk to me about counselling, because I will take my vacant look), but I needed to express how I felt - not all of it, but a bit of it. 

If you wonder how I am and how I feel. I will tell you what I said to Lu on Sunday. I am a better because of Leo - because I had the amazing chance to be his Mum - and even if he is not here he makes me appreciate everything even more, even if it is the sunlight when I go and see him. 

Don't get me wrong, I do not believe Leo should have gone - in fact I spent my Friday afternoon talking to the hospital to assess their responsibility (as you can imagine not so easy) - but this is my life now, and I need to embrace whatever this is. Baby MiH has made it impossible for me to escape it - I did not want to change his routine - so we are facing it all, the questions at clients' meetings, the Grandma's looks, the tiptoeing of people, some people blatantly ignoring us (by the way, this is not cool). I will keep telling Leo's story because he keeps with us, and he was a wonderful gift given to us, but I will also fight his case like a lioness.

I texted Lu the day Leo went. She did an amazing thing - she called on all the quilters to send her low volume blocks for a quilt to comfort us. Some of the blocks came from quilters I have followed for a long time - especially when I was quilting more - some from quilters I do not know but needed to express their sympathy through sewing and quilting. To all of you who contributed, I would like to thank you - because what you did was amazing, but also you made me realise that it does not matter if anyone reads this blog or not, I know that the relationships I made through this blog are priceless. I know there were cards, I am really sorry but I have not read them all. It is the hardest thing to do, reading in black and white the emotions of someone else. I will though, just one at a time. 
 


21 comments:

  1. By the time I read about this quilt it was too late to make a block, but I liked the initiative. No one can imagine what your family is going through, but I admire your flow to take it as it comes and hold on to the things that were important to you when Leo was with you. I think about your, a total stranger, a lot. That must be something positive about blogging.

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  2. Your grace and courage is inspiring! Much love Nat.... xxx

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  3. Big hugs via the internet! I don't think that all blogs need to be trying to be a business, or trying to get famous. It can be exactly what it should be- your corner of the universe, sharing your thoughts, activities, and creations. And those who feel the same way you do, are here.

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  4. I think of you so often. and yes, I do read your blog and enjoy it ; )

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  5. Perfectly expressed. XX hugs to your family and lots of prayers

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  6. Beaucoup de courage pour la suite Nat et pour défendre le cas de Leo. Que la vie et l'avenir août aussi doux que possible pour toi et ta famille. Je pense à vous très souvent. Tu as l'air de puiser beaucoup de force dans Leo et c'est admirable. X

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  7. I'm still reading if not commenting. Love all that you do Nat xxxx

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  8. I think your approach to dealing with your immense grief is quite inspirational - fighting perhaps, with grace and poise, rather than quivering and defeated. The lioness analogy is perfect.

    I don't know much about quilting, but I do know about humans and how they love and support each other. So the quilts are amazing and I am so glad the grandparents were included too. That was very insightful of Lu.

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  9. I think your approach to dealing with your immense grief is quite inspirational - fighting perhaps, with grace and poise, rather than quivering and defeated. The lioness analogy is perfect.

    I don't know much about quilting, but I do know about humans and how they love and support each other. So the quilts are amazing and I am so glad the grandparents were included too. That was very insightful of Lu.

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  10. I have only just come to your blog after reading about the quilt that was made for you by well wishers. I am so terribly sad that your beautiful baby died and would like you to know that someone many miles away, who you will never meet, cares deeply about what has happened and thinks of you often x

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  11. Sending you the hug first. Everyone deals in her own way so you keep doing what you feel like doing. I like how these quilters created a quilt for you and the family to show you in some way ppl unconditionally.

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  12. I've also seen this too late to make a quilt block - such a touching gift and one that is pieced together with a sense of community. I do read your blog and think it is great - keep going! So sorry to hear of your loss....

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